re-bound

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When we hear the word “rebound” applied to modern day relationships, we usually think of a person that is used purely for the intent of getting over another person.  Which is why, when God put this thought in my head, I was completely confused. “Let me be your rebound,” He told me. Rebound? God wants to be my rebound? From what? And He found it so important that He had to tell me Himself? I realized that if God is taking my little situation so seriously, I probably should as well.

I was in worship a couple of nights ago, and I was hurting. I was actually kind of annoyed with God. I was questioning Him, His reasons, His motifs for not giving my spoiled self what I want when I want it. Even in the midst of what turned into a slightly rebellious few days, God never stopped showering me with His love and blessing. I literally found $100 again, for being obedient again when I didn’t want to be, and yet I kept acting out against Him. Mature, right? When I start feeling the love of someone else, the my first instinct is always to push it far away, make that person angry, and run in the other direction. So when I started to feel this pull from God in worship that night, that’s exactly what I did. Thankfully, I have His spirit inside of me and that stopped me from making even worse decisions. I just wanted to fix my problems my own way, not depending on anyone, not even God. There’s been a weird sense of tug-o-war in our relationship lately, and I really don’t know how He hasn’t just let me go. Now that I feel exhausted and honestly a little ashamed of myself, I’m ready to try to meet God where He is waiting for me. He’s always there and it’s always the right time with Him, we just have to want it too.

But going back to that night, worship has always been something I didn’t feel “good” at because I didn’t know how to do it, rarely felt any type of connection, and always was more concerned about what other people thought of the way I was worshipping. When all that is on your mind, it is hard to give (or get) anything.  This particular night when I went into worship, I didn’t want to do it like I had been doing it before. I wanted it to be raw, from the heart, and filled with emotion of whatever I was feeling. If I was honest with God about my feelings, He’d accept me, right? I was tired of having my walls so high that I wasn’t letting Him in. I was letting down my walls and not guarding my heart from the wrong people. Why couldn’t I do the same for Him, the right one? I was so scared of rejection from God, the one who is supposed to love us all no matter what. For some reason, I couldn’t wrap my head around this and accept that this love was for me also, should I choose it. But that night as I worshipped, I felt physically that God was with me. I felt this swelling in my heart and I knew that meant that He was with me. He was telling me that I was going to be okay, as long as He was the one to fix me. I felt and saw Him take hold of me, dance with me. He became the type of love I so desperately wanted. He made me feel safe and secure. In that moment, standing with Him in worship and being held, everything felt right.

That night, I realized that it is human nature to crave love. We want it, we need it, some of our lives literally revolve around it. That’s because God is love (1 John 4:8) and we were created for God (Revelation 4:11). Since this is the type of love that we are created for, we all have a void in our hearts until we really fully receive this. Some people search their lives and don’t find it. Most don’t even know what they’re searching for. I know I thought it was a relationship with a guy, surely thats what it would take to fill the void.  But thankfully, instead of letting me fall into that, God told me that it was a deep, true, real relationship with Him that I actually needed. He promises to give us all the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4), but He doesn’t say when that will be. I know when it won’t be though- it won’t be before we are ready. When we’re putting together something with directions, we don’t skip to step 8 and expect everything to work properly and not break. In the same way, God won’t give us true human love with someone until we know Him (because He is love), we know how and why He loves us, we fully accept it, and we love Him back. Only then do we begin to be ready for a real relationship with another person. I believe he put the desire for a relationship in my heart, and I believe He will fill it when He knows we are both ready for it.

So, when God told me He wanted to be my rebound, did He mean that He wanted to be the one I bounced back to? Yes, I believe in a sense that He did. He wanted me to fall back on Him, literally how I did in worship that night, just leaning into Him. But God knows every step I’ll make before I even make the one before it. He knew I was going to sit here and write this. He knew I was going to figure out that rebound could also mean more. He wants me to be re-bound to Him- and only Him- so that He can un-bind me from all the chains that have been holding me back from Him. When I got baptized and gave Him my life, I started that process. Then, life happened, and I got back to some old ways of thinking, while there were still things I never fully stopped doing. These were chains binding me. Are binding me. That is what He wants me to break me from, so that I can get re-bound to Him, re-bound to grace, re-bound to truth, re-bound to real love thats actually everything I’ve been searching for.

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