my worth, His purpose

Today, as I flew to Chicago, I read Genesis 1, the story about creation, while I was in the air. Even though I was basically seeing buildings and flat lands underneath me, looking out at the horizon and the different colors of something so simple as the sky made me realize that there’s really nothing simple about it at all. It was beautiful and breathtaking when I realized that the God who made all of this, all of the mountains and beaches, every part of the earth, for some reason decided that He needed one of me too. From being in a season of not really feeling special, this changed that feeling so quickly. God didn’t make me because He had to, He made me because He wanted me. If God didn’t have a purpose for me, if He didn’t see something worth keeping in me, there wouldn’t be a me. The God who literally made the heavens and the earth, the shining sun and the indescribable sunsets, placed me here, now for a specific purpose in his world. This is really the first time that I have ever thought this much into this concept, and it really changes my perspective on life. I’m not here for my own gain, to “make a life for myself” and impress people. I’m not here by accident, either. God needs me to do something for himself, for His kingdom, that’s why I’m here. I’m here because God wants my life, my personality, my sense of humor, my ideas, my whole self for a reason. Maybe one day I’ll know the reason, maybe I won’t know until I see Him face to face. But this revelation has completely changed the way I think about my life, and maybe even more importantly, it has made me put a higher value on my life.

I started off this year thinking that my word of the year is “worthy” for a few different reasons, one being that I want to see myself as God sees me. I want to see how he truly defines my worth. And this was definitely the biggest and best way so far that He’s done that. I don’t know where I heard the saying “God blesses obedience,” but it has become almost a motto of mine by now. I know that if I do something that I feel God is calling me to do, He will bless that. Just to clarify, I don’t do these things in order to gain a blessing, but rather to say yes to God. The blessing is just extra. I know I’ve mentioned this before, but in the past I’ve always defined my worth through the acceptance and opinions of others, especially guys. Even after finding God and starting a relationship with Him, I found myself still doing this. So I decided for this trip that I would go on a “boy fast.” Not because I talk to all these guys or because the guys in my life are toxic, but because I really wanted to hear from God with no background noise (especially the kind I’ve drowned his voice out with in the past). And in the first few hours of this, He spoke to me. It wasn’t until hours later, as I sit here typing this out, that the fullness of the revelation started to sink in: My worth is in the fact that God made me, uses me, wants me, needs me, and loves me. Such a short sentence to cover my purpose. But that’s it. And its beautiful and amazing, and makes me feel more important than anything ever has. All this time, these last 24 years, I’ve been living for myself. I had to do well in school to get into a good college, and do well in college to get into a good graduate program, and do well in this graduate program to hopefully get a good job… No where in there does it say “to please God.” Even if I tried to please Him, it wasn’t a priority. It wasn’t something that would get in the way of my plans for myself. But now I have clarity in a way I’ve never experienced, and honestly it takes so much weight off of my shoulders. There are so many verses about God’s plans being greater than our own, how He works all things out for the good of those who love Him, how His yolk is easy and His burden is light. But it never really clicked, I never truly got it (although I thought it did) until right now.  God’s plans are greater than mine because they’re already worked out.  And just one more time, HE WANTS ME to fulfill his plans for the world.

PS: sitting at a rooftop in downtown Chicago, drinking a Shirley Temple and writing this with an amazing view. Thank you Lord —

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